Socialism & Democracy, March 2006;originally published in Infinite Matrix, 2004, in slightly different form.
Greet The Press
Welcome, sir, to Greet the Press, radioÕs answer to--well, whatever. Before we start rolling, perhaps we could go over the Q&A, so there wonÕt be any surprises.
GUEST
Of course. Always best to be prepared.
HOST
I hope you are prepared, as the Administration's chief spokesperson, to answer some tough questions.
You bet. Golly, the President is dealing with
tough times, which call for tough policies. If that means tough questions, IÕm
ready to endure a little Ōstress and duressĶ from the press, ha ha. That's what
democracy's all about, isnÕt it? But aren't Newsweek
and the NY Times supposed to be here?
We formed a pool, so the wrong
questions wouldn't be asked. We realize that the War on Terrorism requires a
heightened sensitivity to security.
GUEST
Admirable. Let me say, since I can
speak for him, that the President appreciates your spirit of responsibility.
But I know I can count on you to ask the proper questions. And you can count on me not to answer
any that might impede our national security efforts.
HOST
You never know. We have some new
interview techniques, and you might find yourself answering questions you
didn't intend to. And the pool
format gives us a certain institutional deniability, which keeps our options
open.
GUEST
Since when does the press need
deniability? And whereÕs the studio audience? IsnÕt this supposed to be a live
program?
HOST
That was before 9/11. We changed
our format in the interest of security. We have a responsibility to the
sensitivities of the public.
GUEST
Well, if you insist. I guess all that comes under Freedom of
the Press. So letÕs get on with it.
HOST
We intend to. First of all, we
intend to ask about the use of torture in interrogation.
In a recent Washington Post
article ...
GUEST
Whoa! We agreed that there
wouldn't be any questions on that subject. That was off limits by agreement,
remember?
HOST
Well, yeah, but we would have
agreed to anything to get you on this show. Surely you can understand that
special circumstances call for special measures.
GUEST
Whatever. Say, can I get a glass
of water?
I notice they didn't bring me
any.
HOST
There'll be water later on. Now about the 600 men being held in
Guantanamo. Are the provisions of the Geneva Conventions on prisoners of war
being violated there?
GUEST
Damn it, you know I can't answer
that. And can I get another chair? This thing is digging into my back.
HOST
I'll see what I can do. But first, tell us about the conditions
of detention at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq.
GUEST
They're rough. What do you
expect? This is not a tea party, and those men are not prisoners of war.
They are combatants in a war of
terror.
HOST
Aren't we all, these days.
Certainly as the chief spokesperson for our Commander-in-Chief, you yourself
would come under the designation of combatant.
GUEST
ThereÕs a distinction between
lawful and unlawful combatants. And in the meantime, this chair is extremely
uncomfortable. It's cutting off the circulation in my legs.
HOST
I guess the distinctions are
getting a little blurry. And IÕm
sorry about the chair. We can fix you up with something better if you will be a
little more cooperative. We have no interest in making you uncomfortable.
GUEST
What do you mean, cooperative?
Let me remind you
that I am here as your guest.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
HOST
Oh, we're very conscious of that. The two gentlemen behind you, who just came into the studio, are here to make sure that you remain here as our guest.
GUEST
Hey! Let go of me. Who are these
guys?
Why are they duct-taping me to
the chair!? Why are they taking off my pants?
CHAIR SCRAPING-PEELING OF TAPE
HOST
ItÕs just a precaution, so that
you don't harm yourself. Or wet your pants. Now let me ask, since people are wondering, are there any
legal or ethical restraints on your methods of interrogation?
GUEST
Of course not! Let me go! I
protest!
HOST
ThatÕs certainly your right. And
we will let you go as soon as you answer a few questions.
Would you like a glass of water?
GUEST
Yes, please, for God's sake. And this tape is too tight.
HOST
ItÕs hard to adjust tape. But I'll have some water brought in.
You know, youÕre just making it harder on yourself by squirming like that.
GUEST
You are asking about highly
confidential matters.
This is a violation of ... Ow!
That hurts!
SCUFFLING SOUNDS
HOST
These guys can get a little
rough. TheyÕre Army Reservists, you know. They lack a certain subtlety,
but theyÕre pretty good at not
leaving marks.
GUEST
What the heck is that thing? Ow!
ZAPPING SOUND
HOST
Some kind of electrical gizmo.
Got it from the Iraelis. They have all sorts of high tech ways of stimulating
conversation. But surely there's no need for that. All we want is a candid
conversation about a matter of interest to all civilized people.
RATTLING OF PAPER BAG
GUEST
What do you know about civilized
people, you savage! This interview is officially over. This ... Ow!(muffled)
Take that bag off my head. I
canÕt breathe!
HOST
DonÕt panic, sir, that just makes
it worse.
Try breathing more slowly.
GUEST
(muffled)
This is an outrage! You know I
canÕt tell you anything. It would cost me my job.
HOST
I understand. You have your
principles--and we respect that.
But are you sure there isnÕt something you can tell us before the
Pakistanis get here?
GUEST
(muffled)
The Pakistanis? How did they get
involved in this?
HOST
TheyÕre part of the Coalition of
the Willing. We had to include them, which is a problem, because they sometimes
do leave marks. But they give us
the operational flexibility we need.
GUEST
(Muffled)
IÕm an American citizen. My God,
you canÕt show this on TV.
HOST
This is radio, remember. We can
edit around things. Of course, it
gets more difficult after the Pakistanis get started.
GUEST
(muffled)
Please, let me go! Let me
breathe!
IÕll tell you what you want to
know.
HOST
We can talk? Lift the bag a
little, guys, so we can talk. I feel like Joan Rivers, ha ha. I think we are
ready to go live at last. Are we rolling? Good. Welcome, sir, to Greet the
Press. You said you were ready for some tough questions, so here goes: is it true that you are torturing
prisoners for information?
HEAVY BREATHING,OUT OF BAG
GUEST
(gasping)
Only in the interest of national
security. We have determined that certain persuasive techniques are necessary.
HOST
Such as the ones described in the
Washington Post article?
GUEST
Yes. Yes, those, and others we
donÕt want to know about. Some of our allies are not so squeamish.
HOST
Squeamish. I like that
word. IÕll bet thereÕs no place for the squeamish in Guantanamo? Or Abu
Ghraib?
GUEST
No! Certainly not. Now let me go,
damn it!
HOST
One more question, just to prove
weÕre on the up-and-up. Are you sharing this information with the American
people of your own free will?
GUEST
Yes, no, whatever! Just get that damn bag away from me.
Please!
HOST
You wanted to get the facts out,
so the American people could have
a full and open debate about the use of torture. Right?
GUEST
Right. Yes, whatever you say.
HOST
Thank you, sir! ThatÕs a wrap,
guys. WeÕre off the air.
GUEST
ThatÕs it? ThatÕs the show?
HOST
ItÕs a start. Now, how about that
glass of water. Do you take ice? Get our guest some ice, you guys.
TINKLE OF ICE CUBES
GUEST
Forget the damn ice, just let me
go!
HOST
Of course, we will, soon enough.
We're just going to have to hold you for a few days in an undisclosed location
in case we have some follow up questions to ask. You know how we journalists are about follow-up questions.
Do you prefer a cage or a box?
SOUND OF CHAINS RATTLING
GUEST
I answered your questions, now
let me go! Take these chains off my legs!
The boxes are warmer, and we have
several sizes, including one thatÕs almost big enough to stand up in. Are you
ready for some good news? Since youÕve been so cooperative, youÕre next in line
for a full-size five by five.
Sure you donÕt want that water?
HOLLOW ECHO OF METAL BOX SLAMMING SHUT
The end