Originally published in New York Review of SF, some time in 1999.
THE PLEASANTVILLE MONSTER PROJECT
Un Original Screenplay by
Terry Bisson
EXT. NIGHT. TREE BRANCHES. A CAR APPROACHES.
THREE FACES IN HEADLIGHTS.
GAIL is pale, 27-ish. GREG is pale, 28-ish. GARY is pale, 26-ish.
GREG
What the fuck!
GAIL
What was that?
GARY
Are you guys trying to like scare me?
CUT TO:
EXT. NIGHT. TREE BRANCHES. HEADLIGHTS.
GAIL
Did you hear that?
GREG
What the FUCK!?
GAIL
It was weird, is what.
GARY
What!? Are you guys trying to like scare me?
CUT TO:
EXT. BRANCHES FROM BELOW. STREETLIGHTS. RAIN.
GREG
I knew I shouldn't have listened to YOUR FUCKING
ASS!
GAIL
I'm telling you, I heard something.
GARY
If you guys are trying to like scare me, I have to
tell you, it's working.
GREG
What the fuck! What the fucking FUCK!
GAIL
I wish I had a camera like ...
CUT TO:
EXT. BRANCHES, LIGHTS, CARS PASSING.
GARY
Like who?
GAIL
Like that other girl.
GREG
Can you believe this SHIT!
GAIL
What? What!?!
CUT TO:
EXT. STICKS AND LEAVES.
GREG
That's what. Some kind of SPOOKY SHIT!
GARY
Oh shit!
GAIL
What?
GREG
Oh SHIT is what! Hear that?
A PHONE RINGS IN THE DISTANCE. A BABY CRIES.
GAIL
I thought I heard a baby.
GREG
Who would CALL a baby? You guys are FULL OF SHIT!
GARY
What if he's right? What if it's a MONSTER or
something?
GREG
A monster? What the FUCK?!
GAIL
You can't get lost in Westchester County.
GREG
I'm not worrying about getting lost, I'm worrying
about THE FUCKING MONSTER!
GAIL
Ssssshhhh!
GARY
What? What is it? Argh.
GAIL
Oh no.
GREG
Oh shit! What happened? Where's what's-his-name?
GAIL
Gary. He's gone.
GREG
What the FUCK?! What did I TELL YOU!?
CUT TO:
EXT. BLOOD OR SOMETHING ON LEAVES.
GAIL
Be cool. Don't make me cry. That's our only chance, we
have to not make me cry.
GREG
He's probably dead and it's probably YOUR FUCKING
FAULT!
GAIL
Do you have the time?
GREG
It's after eleven. Eleven seven to be exact. Like the
store only backward.
GAIL
How can you think of such a thing at a time like
this?
GREG
I'm trying to keep my FUCKING SANITY is all!
GAIL
Didn't Gary work at a Seven Eleven?
GREG
How would I FUCKING KNOW!?
GAIL
Oh shit. Gross! Now I'm going to throw up.
CUT TO:
EXT. ENTRAILS OR SOMETHING.
GREG
That could've been me.
GAIL
It could have been any of us.
A PHONE RINGS. A DOOR SLAMS.
GAIL
Greg? Was that you?
SILENCE.
GAIL
Greg? Oh no. Oh please no. Oh please PLEASE no
...
CREEPY SCRAPING SOUNDS AND THEN--SOMETHING!
THE END