PRESS ANN

by

Terry Bisson

 


 

INT. URBAN ATM.

 

A one-machine enclosure on a busy street. The kind with a glass door operated by a card.

 

OPEN ON: Cash machine screen up close.

 

 

ATM SCREEN

WELCOME TO CASH-IN-A-FLASH

1413 LOCATIONS

TO SERVE YOU CITYWIDE

PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD

 

SFX an opening door. City sounds, horns, cars, commotion. Door closes and sounds die. Scuffling feet approach.

 

Cash machine a little less close. We see card slot and 10-digit keyboard.

 

A card is inserted by female fingers. Returned.

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU.

NOW PLEASE ENTER

YOUR ATM NUMBER.

 

Female fingers type in four digits.

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU.

PLEASE PRESS DESIRED SERVICE--

DEPOSIT

WITHDRAWAL

BALANCE

WEATHER

 

Female face dimly reflected in screen, peering closely, puzzled.

 

EMILY (VO)

Weather?

 

BRUCE (VO)

What's the problem, Em?

 

EMILY studying cash machine. She's about thirty, wearing a coat.

 

EMILY

Since when do these things give the weather?

 

BRUCE is same age, leather jacket and jeans. A neat, trimmed beard. Studies an overly complex wristwatch.

 

BRUCE

Maybe it's some new thing.

Just get the cash, okay?

It's 6:22 and we're going to be late.

 

Emily presses the screen.

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU.

WITHDRAWAL FROM?

SAVINGS

CHECKING

CREDIT LINE

OTHER

 

We see Emily reflected in screen as her finger presses CHECKING.

 

ATM SCREEN

PLEASE PRESS DESIRED AMOUNT--

$20

$40

$60

$100

 

Emily presses $60, then leans forward and studies screen. We see her puzzled reflection.

 

ATM SCREEN

$60 FOR A MOVIE?

 

EMILY

Bruce, come over here and look at this.

 

BRUCE

(studies watch)

Emily, it;s 6:26 and the movie starts at 6:41.

 

EMILY

How does the cash machine know we're going to the movie?

 

BRUCE

What are you talking about? Are you still mad

because you have to get the money?

Can I help it if the machine ate my card?

 

EMILY

Never mind. I'll try it again.

 

Emily presses the screen. She steps back, startled.

 

EMILY

It just did it again!

 

ATM SCREEN

$60 FOR A MOVIE?

 

EMILY (VO)

Bruce, come over here and look at this!

 

BRUCE

(irritated)

Did what?

 

EMILY

Bruce, come over here and look at this!

 

Bruce steps up and studies screen. Looks at Emily.

 

BRUCE

Sixty dollars for a movie?

 

EMILY

(turns on him)

I'm getting money for dinner too.

It IS my birthday, after all,

even if I have to plan the entire party,

not to mention get the money to pay for it.

 

BRUCE

I can't believe this! You're mad at me

because a machine ate my card!

 

EMILY

Forget it! The point is, how does the cash machine

know we're going to a movie?

 

BRUCE

(checking his watch)

Emily, it's 6:29. Just press ENTER

or whatever and let's go!

 

Emily steps back up to the machine.

 

EMILY

Okay, okay!

 

ATM SCREEN

WHO'S THE GUY WITH THE WATCH?

BOYFRIEND

HUSBAND

OTHER

 

Emily steps back from the machine again.

 

EMILY

Bruce!

 

BRUCE

Emily it's 6:30. Just get the money and let's go!

 

EMILY

Now it's asking me about you!

 

BRUCE

6:31!

 

EMILY

Okay, okay!

 

Emily's finger hovers over and then presses OTHER on the ATM screen.

 

Another figure is seen in screen with Emily's reflection. She looks around, startled.

 

Bruce and Emily have been joined inside the ATM cubicle by ANDREW, also about 30, wearing a suit and tie; no beard--and no watch.

 

ANDREW

(points to ATM)

Excuse me, do you two mind if I ...

 

BRUCE

Look, pal, there's a problem with this machine.

There's another cash machine

right down the street

if you're in such a goddamned hurry!

 

Andrew shrugs and leaves through a glass door that opens with a card.

 

Emily turns on Bruce, hands on hips. It's clear that these two bicker a lot.

 

EMILY

Rude as usual!

 

BRUCE

Forget it. He's gone.

 

As the door closes behind Andrew, the ATM screen is changing. Emily turns back to look at it.

 

ATM SCREEN

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMILY

WOULD YOU LIKE--

DEPOSIT

WITHDRAWAL

BALANCE

WEATHER

 

EMILY

How does it know it's my birthday?

 

Bruce approaches, studying his ridiculous watch.

 

BRUCE

Jesus, Em, it's probably coded in your card

or something. It is now 6:34 and in

exactly seven minutes ...

(Looks from watch to screen)

Jesus! What the hell is this? Weather?

 

EMILY

That's what I've been trying to tell you!

 

Emily reaches toward screen.

 

BRUCE

You're not going to press WEATHER?!

 

EMILY

(Pressing screen)

Why not?

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU

PRESS DESIRED WEATHER--

COOL AND CLOUDY

FAIR AND MILD

LIGHT SNOW

LIGHT RAIN

 

BRUCE

Em, will you stop fooling around!

 

Emily presses screen.

 

BRUCE

Rain? On your birthday?

 

Emily studies screen with a smile.

 

EMILY

Just a light rain. I just want to see if it works.

We're going to the movie anyway.

 

BRUCE

(studies watch)

Not if we don't get out of here.

 

ATM SCREEN

PERFECT MOVIE WEATHER

WOULD YOU LIKE--

DEPOSIT

WITHDRAWAL

BALANCE

POPCORN

 

BRUCE

Popcorn? Em, this machine is seriously fucked up.

 

EMILY

I know. I wonder if you get butter.

 

BRUCE

It's 6:36. Just press WITHDRAWAL

and let's get the hell out of here.

We have five minutes before the movie starts.

 

Emily studies screen and presses WITHDRAWAL.

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU

WITHDRAWAL FROM--

SAVINGS

CHECKING

CREDIT LINE

OTHER

 

ANDREW (VO)

Excuse me. Are you two going to see

GILDED PALACE OF SIN?

 

Andrew is back in the tiny crowded ATM room. The glass door shuts behind him. He's brushing raindrops out of his his hair.

 

BRUCE

Who wants to know?

 

ANDREW

(ignoring his rudeness)

I was just at the theater,

and the paper had the times listed wrong.

According to the box office,

the movie starts at 6:45,

so you have nine minutes.

 

Emily leaves the ATM machine and goes to the door.

 

BRUCE

I thought you were at the other ATM.

 

ANDREW

There's a line and I didn't want

to stand outside in the rain.

 

EMILY

Bruce, look. Rain!

 

ANDREW

It's just a light rain.

But I'm wearing my new suit.

 

Emily returns to the ATM machine. Bruce watches in alarm.

 

BRUCE

Emily, it;s 6:37 and you're pressing OTHER?

 

EMILY

Why not? Don't you want to see

what else this ATM can do?

 

BRUCE

No!

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU

CHOOSE OTHER ACCOUNT

ANDREW

ANN

BRUCE

 

BRUCE

Who the hell are ANDREW and ANN?

And how the hell did my name get in there?

 

EMILY

You told me the machine ate your card.

 

BRUCE

(lying)

That was-- another machine.

 

ANDREW

Excuse me. ANN is my fiance.

Well, was. Sort of. I thought.

 

BRUCE

Who asked you to butt in?

 

EMILY

Wait!

(Looks from Andrew to screen and back)

You must be ...

 

ANDREW

Andrew. Andrew P Clayborn the Third.

(they shake hands)

You must be Emily. And he must be ...

 

EMILY

He's Bruce. And don't mind him

if he's a little uncouth.

 

BRUCE

(all but sputtering)

Uncouth!

 

Emily turns back to screen and presses it resolutely. Bruce looks over her shoulder, outraged.

 

BRUCE

Hey! That's my account, Emily.

You don't have any right to press BRUCE!

 

ATM SCREEN

BRUCE

 

EMILY (VO)

Why not?! You said you wanted to pay

for dinner and the movie,

but the machine ate your card. So let's go for it.

 

ATM SCREEN

GO FOR IT, EMILY

PLEASE ENTER DESIRED AMOUNT

FROM BRUCE'S ACCOUNT

$20

$60

$80

$100

 

We see Emily's reflection in screen as she presses $60.

 

 

ATM SCREEN

$60 SORRY.

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS IN BRUCE'S ACCOUNT

WANT TO TRY FOR $20?

YES NO

 

Emily presses YES.

 

ATM SCREEN

$20 SORRY.

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS IN BRUCE'S ACCOUNT

HOW ABOUT A BALANCE CHECK?

YES NO

 

 

BRUCE (VO)

No!

 

EMILY

(as she presses YES)

Yes!

 

ATM SCREEN

BRUCE'S BALANCE: $11.78

SURPRISED?

 

EMILY

Surprised? I'm furious! Some birthday celebration!

You didn't even have enough

to pay for the movie,

much less dinner! And you lied!

 

ANDREW

Excuse me, it's your birthday?

It's my birthday too!

 

BRUCE

You stay out of this, Andrew,

or whatever the fuck your name is!

 

EMILY

Don't be vulgar, Bruce. He has

an absolute perfect right to wish me

a happy birthday.

 

BRUCE

He's not wishing you anything,

he's butting into my life!

 

ANDREW

(extends his hand)

Allow me to wish you a happy birthday, Emily.

 

EMILY

And to you, Andrew, the very same.

 

Andrew and Emily shake hands. Bruce looks on, disgusted.

 

BRUCE

Plus, he's an asshole!

 

All three turn and look at the ATM screen, which is flickering as new letters appear.

 

ATM SCREEN

NO NAME CALLING PLEASE

WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER BALANCE CHECK?

BRUCE

EMILY

ANDREW

ANN

 

 

EMILY

I don't think so. I already know more

than I ever wanted to know.

But I still don't understand who ANN is.

 

BRUCE

My girl friend. Sort of.

She was supposed to meet me at the movie.

But she stood me up--for the last time.

 

EMILY

How terrible! On your birthday!

Andrew, I know exactly how you feel!

 

Bruce shakes his head disgustedly.

 

BRUCE

As a matter of fact, you're both

a couple of assholes.

 

They all turn to look at the ATM as new letters appear.

 

Andrew and Emily approach the ATM, side by side.

 

ATM SCREEN

NO NAME CALLING PLEASE

ANDREW AND EMILY

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO TREAT YOU

TO A BIRTHDAY DINNER AND A FILM

 

SFX as the machine churns out five twenties.

 

EMILY

A hundred dollars!

 

ANDREW

It says it's treating us! Take it, Emily.

 

EMILY

You take it, Andrew. I think the man

should handle the money.

And you can call me Em.

 

Andrew takes the money, counts it, folds it, and sticks it into his pocket. Bruce looks on in offended amazement.

 

BRUCE

I can't fucking believe this!

 

ANDREW

We'd better hurry. Excuse me, Bruce, old pal.

Do you have the time?

 

BRUCE

(checks watch)

It's 6:42. Asshole.

 

ANDREW

(to Emily)

If we run we can catch the 6:45.

Then how about Sneaky Pete's?

 

EMILY

I love Tex-Mex!

 

Andrew holds the door for Emily. Bruce watches them go out the door together, then turns back to look at the ATM screen.

 

ATM SCREEN

ENJOY! DON'T FORGET TO TRY

THE BLACKENED FAJITAS

 

Bruce kicks the ATM machine.

 

ATM SCREEN

WELCOME TO CASH-IN-A-FLASH

1413 LOCATIONS

TO SERVE YOU CITYWIDE

PLEASE DON'T KICK THE MACHINE

 

Bruce kicks the ATM machine harder.

 

BRUCE

Go to Hell!

 

ATM SCREEN

PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD

 

BRUCE

Fuck you!

 

ATM SCREEN

GO AHEAD BRUCE

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

 

Curious (and still furious) Bruce pulls his card out of his wallet and inserts it.

 

ATM SCREEN

THANK YOU

IT WASN'T 'EATEN' AFTER ALL

WAS IT?

 

BRUCE

You know it wasn't. Asshole!

 

ATM SCREEN

NO NAME CALLING PLEASE

WOULD YOU LIKE

SYMPATHY

REVENGE

WEATHER

ANN

 

SFX banging on door. Muffled woman's voice from outside.

 

Bruce looks around. There is a young woman banging on the glass door. Well dressed, about his age.

 

WOMAN

Excuse me! Excuse me!

 

It is sprinkling rain. She mimes that she wants in.

 

BRUCE

Jesus, quit banging on the door.

I know it's raining. Touch shit.

This is a cash machine, not a homeless shelter.

You're supposed to have a card to get in.

What? What did you say?

 

WOMAN

(shouting through glass)

I said, shut up and press ANN.

 

 

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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