TWO
GUYS FROM THE FUTURE
by
Terry Bisson
CHARACTERS
TERESA Young woman, Puerto Rican
JULIO Young man, Hispanic
JOSE Somewhat older, Julio's boss.
BOROGOVE Gallery owner, middle-aged woman.
THE SETTING.
New York City, Lower East Side.
An art gallery; Teresa's apartment.
All minimal.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
The stage is dark. A shimmering column of light appears, in which are standing two guys, both Hispanic: JULIO very handsome in his late twenties; JOSÉ taller and older. Both wear silvery stretch jump suits. JOSÉ is clearly the boss. Both actors and TERESA speak with Spanish accents.
JOSÉ: We are two guys from the future!
TERESA: [Voice only] Huh?
JOSÉ: We are two guys from the future!
TERESA: [Voice only, groggy as if just waking up] Yeah, yeah, right. What? Yo, get the hell out of here!
She turns a flashlight and shines it on them; they cringe.
JOSÉ: Don't shoot! Is that a gun?
Teresa turns on the wall light and we see that we are in an art gallery. On the wall are 3-d bas-relief plastic breasts and buttocks in weird colors. She is wearing a security guard uniform.
TERESA: [Looks at flashlight, then at two guys] A gun? Are you guys for real?
JOSÉ: Lady, we are serious guys from the future. [consults phrase book] This is not a hard-on.
TERESA: You mean a put-on. Now get the hell out of here before I call a real cop.
JOSÉ: We are here on a [looks at phrase book] missionary position to all mankind. No shit is fixing to hang loose any someday now.
TERESA: Break loose. Hey, are you guys talking about nuclear war?
JULIO: We are not allowed to say.
JOSÉ: Excuse my vernacular. [looking at phrase book] The bottom line is, we have come to salvage the art works of your posteriors.
TERESA: Hmmm--save the art and let the world go. Not a bad idea. But, mira, it's midnight and the gallery's closed. If you really are two guys from the future, you can come back in the future, like tomorrow, after we open, okay?
JOSÉ: [Shakes his head; putting away phrase book, he speaks English well but stiffly] Too much danger of Timeslip! We have to come and go between midnight and four a.m., when we won't interfere with your world. Plus we're from far in the future, not just tomorrow. We are here to save art works that will otherwise be lost in the coming holocaust by sending them through a Chronoslot to our century in what is, to you, the distant future.
TERESA: I got that picture. But you're talking to the wrong girl. I don't own this art gallery. I'm just an artist.
JULIO: Artists wear uniforms in your century?
TERESA: Okay, so I'm moonlighting as a security guard.
JOSÉ: Then it's your boss we need to talk to. Get him here tomorrow at midnight, okay?
TERESA: He's a she. Besides, mira, how do I know you really are, on the level, two guys from the future?
JOSÉ: You saw us suddenly materialize in the middle of the room, didn't you?
TERESA: Okay, so I may have been dozing. You try working two jobs.
JOSÉ : But you noticed how my inglés is not so hot. And how about these shimmery outfits?
TERESA: This is New York and lots of folks speak worse inglés than you. And here on the Lower East Side, funny suits don't prove anything. But I've got an idea. Got a match?
Lights down.
SCENE TWO
The same gallery, but daylight now. Teresa is dressed in jeans and a sweater. Attractive, late twenties, Puerto Rican. Her boss, BOROGOVE is middle aged soho fashionable with a punk hairdo, tight glack jeans and heavy jewelry; she's the only actor without a Spanish accent.
BOROGOVE: You did what?
TERESA: I lit a match and held it to his sleeve. I read about it in a science fiction story once.
BOROGOVE: Girl, you're lucky he didn't shoot you!
TERESA: He wasn't carrying a gun. I could tell. Those shimmery suits are pretty tight. Anyway, when I saw that the cloth didn't burn, I decided I believed their story.
BOROGOVE: There's all sorts of material that doesn't burn. And if they're really two guys from the future who have come back to save the great art of our century, how come they didn't take any of Bucky's works? [Points around the room at the art]
TERESA: Beats me. They insist on talking to the gallery owner. Maybe you have to sign for it or something.
BOROGOVE: Hmmmmm. There have been several mysterious disappearances of great art lately. That's why I hired you; it was one of the conditions in Bucky's will. In fact, I'm still not sure this isn't one of his posthumous publicity stunts. What time are these guys from the future supposed to show up?
TERESA: Midnight.
BOROGOVE: Hmmmmm. Well, don't tell anyone about this. I'll join you at midnight, like MacBeth on the tower.
TERESA: It's Hamlet. And tonight's my night off. My boy friend is taking me to the cockfights.
BOROGOVE I'll pay you time and a half. I may need you there to translate if these guys' inglés is as bad as you say.
Lights down
SCENE THREE
The art gallery. Night; lights are dim. Teresa comes on stage alone. She's wearing her uniform and carrying the flashlight.
TERESA: [Addresses audience directly] Girls don't go to cockfights and I don't have a boy friend. How could I? There aren't any available single men in New York. I just didn't want Borogove to think I was easy. But in fact, I wouldn't have missed it for the world!
Enter Borogove
BOROGOVE: It's after midnight. If this is some kind of joke-
Two guys appear in the shimmering column of light.
BOROGOVE: Oh dear! Bienvenidos to our century--and to the Borogove Gallery! Since you are from the future, you may not know that we have been described in ART TALK magazine as "the traffic control center of the Downtown Art Renaissance."
JOSÉ: We are two guys from the future. [He holds out his arm while Shorty struggles to light a match under it]
BOROGOVE: [Blows out match ] You don't have to prove anything! I can tell by the way you arrived here that you're not from our world. But if you like, you could show me some future money!
JULIO: We're not allowed to carry cash.
JOSÉ: Too much danger of Timeslip! In fact, the only reason we're here at all is because of a special exemption in the Chronolaws, allowing us to save great art works that otherwise would be destroyed in the coming holocaust.
BOROGOVE: Oh dear. What coming holocaust?
JULIO: We're not allowed to say.
JOSÉ: Don't worry about it. [Looks at his watch] It doesn't happen for quite a while yet. We're buying the art early to keep the prices down. Last month our time--last year, yours-- we bought two Harings and a Ledesma right around the corner.
BOROGOVE: Bought? Those paintings were reported stolen.
JOSÉ: [shrugs] That's between the gallery owners and their insurance companies. But we are not thieves. In fact--
TERESA: What about the people?
BOROGOVE: [Loud whisper] You stay out of this! You're here to be seen and not heard.
TERESA: [ignores her] You know, in this coming holocaust thing. What happens to the people?
JULIO: We're not allowed to save people.
JOSÉ: No big deal! People all die anyway. Only great art is forever. Well, almost forever.
BOROGOVE: And Bucky made the short list! That son of a bitch. But I'm not surprised. If self-promotion counts for anything--
JOSÉ: Bucky?
BOROGOVE: Bucky Borogove. My late ex-husband. The artist whose work is hanging all around us here. The art you came to save for future generations.
JOSÉ: Oh, no. [Looks disgusted, then apologetic] We can't take this stuff. It would never fit through the Chronoslot anyway. We came to give you time to get rid of it. We're here for the early works of Teresa Algarín Rosado, the Puerto Rican neoretromaximinimalist. You will hang her show next week, and we'll come back and pick up the paintings we want.
BOROGOVE: I beg your pardon! Nobody tells me who will or will not hang in this gallery. Not even guys from the future. Besides, who's ever heard of this Rosado character?
JOSÉ: [apologetic] I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that since we're from the future, we already know what will happen. As a matter of fact, we've already deposited three hundred thousand dollars in your account first thing tomorrow.
BOROGOVE: Well, in that case ...[smiles cordially] But who is this Rosa Algarín or whatever? Do you have her phone number? Does she even have a phone?
TERESA: How many paintings are you going to buy?
BOROGOVE: [whispers] I told you to stay out of this!
TERESA: But I am Teresa Algarín Rosado.
Lights down.
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
Teresa's lower east side apartment. Small refrigerator, sink; rumpled covers on a pallet on the floor. TERESA, dressed in a paint smeared tank-top and bikini underpants, puts the finishing touches on a painting when a column of light shimmers near the sink, and JULIO appears.
JULIO: Remember me, one of the two guys from the future?
TERESA: [sarcastic; pulling on jeans] Oh, so you can talk! Where's your compañero?
JULIO: It's his night off. He's got a date.
TERESA: And you're working?
JULIO: It's my night off, too. I just--uh--uh--
TERESA: Couldn't get a date. It's all right. I'm about ready to knock off anyway. There's a Bud in the refrigerator. Get me one too.
JULIO: [Searching through refrigerator] You always work at midnight? Can I call you Teresa?
TERESA: Please do. Just finishing up a couple of canvases. This is my big chance. My own show. I want everything to be just right. What are you looking for?
JULIO: A bud?
TERESA: A Bud is a cerveza. The top twists off. To the left! Are you sure you guys are from the future and not the past? [Directly to audience] Or maybe from the country!
JULIO: [Hands her a beer and sits down with his] We travel to many different time zones.
TERESA [Cross legged on bed] Must be exciting. Do you get to watch them throw the Christians to the lions?
JULIO We don't go there, it's all statues. Statues won't fit through the Chronoslot. You might have noticed, José and I broke quite a few before we quit trying.
TERESA: José?
JULIO: My boss. Oh, and call me Julio.
TERESA: So what kind of art do you like, Julio?
JULIO: I don't like any of it, but I guess paintings are best; you can turn them flat. Say this is pretty good cerveza. Do you have any roll and rock?
TERESA: [Directly to audience, as she puts on a CD: "Up on the Roof"] I thought he meant the beer but he meant the music. [LIghts up a joint and hands it to him] I also had a joint, left over from a more interesting decade.
JULIO: Your century is my favorite. How about another petal?
TERESA: Bud. In the fridge.
[Teresa studies him approvingly as he heads for refrigerator]
JULIO: The cerveza in your century is very good.
TERESA: Can I ask you two questions?
JULIO: Sure. [Hands her a beer and returns to perch on tub]
TERESA: Do you have a wife or a girl friend back there, or up there, or whatever you call it, in the future?
JULIO: Are you kidding? There are no available single girls in the future.
Silence
JULIO: What's the second question?
TERESA: Do you look as cute out of that shimmery suit as you do in it?
Lights down
SCENE TWO
The gallery. Daytime. One workman is taking down the giant plastic tits and asses and hauling them out the back. Another is hauling in Teresa's paintings and hanging them; they are oil portraits of Lower East Side neighborhood people. BOROGOVE watches with a clipboard. Teresa, in paint-smeared jeans and a sweater, stands by.
BOROGOVE: There's one missing.
TERESA: This is all of it. Everything I've ever painted. I even borrowed back two paintings that I had traded for rent.
BOROGOVE: [Consults her list] According to the two guys from the future, three of your early paintings are in the [Terrible accent] Museo de Arte Inmortal Del Mundo in 2255: 'Tres Dolores,' 'De Mon Mouse' and 'La Rosa del Futuro.' Those are the three they want.
TERESA: Let me see that list.
BOROGOVE: [Hands it to her; she's much more polite now that Teresa is a an artist] It's just the titles. They have a catalogue with pictures of what they want, but they won't show it to me. Too much danger of Timesplits, they say.
TERESA: Slips, Borogove. Timeslips. [Walks with list through gallery and stops in front of three paintings.] Here's "De Mon Mouse." [Portrait of a smiling rasta on a stoop, wearing a Mickey Mouse hat] Here's "Tres Dolores." [Mother, daughter and grandmother on stoop] But 'La Rosa del Futuro'? Never heard of it.
BOROGOVE: [Takes back list] It's on here. Which means it's in their catalog.
TERESA: Which means it survives the holocaust.
BOROGOVE: Which means they pick it up at midnight, after the opening Wednesday night.
TERESA: Which means I must paint it between now and then.
BOROGOVE: Which means you've got four days.
TERESA: Ay! This is crazy, Borogove!
BOROGOVE: Call me Mimsy. And don't worry about it. Just get to work.
SCENE THREE
Teresa's apartment. She's sitting in front of a blank canvas, in tank-top and panties, chewing a paintbrush. Every time she makes a mark, she paints it out with gesso. Julio is in his shimmery suit looking through the refrigerator. Holds up a jar.
JULIO: What's this?
TERESA: [Never looks up] Pickled herring.
JULIO: I thought you were Puerto Rican.
TERESA:I am, but my ex-boyfriend was Jewish, and that stuff keeps forever.
JULIO: I thought there were no available single men in New York.
TERESA: [Still doesn't look up] There aren't. His wife was Jewish too.
JULIO: [Tries it.] Not bad!
TERESA: (Still staring at blank canvas) He also left an Armani suit but it would never fit you.
Julio opens two beers. Sits on bed holding them both. Wants Teresa's attention.
JULIO: You're sure I'm not keeping you from your work?
TERESA: [Finally looks up] What work? I've been staring at a blank canvas since ten o'clock. I still have one painting to finish for the show, and I haven't even started it.
JULIO: Which one?
TERESA: 'La Rosa del Futuro'.
JULIO: So? That's the most famous one. I mean, so you know it gets done. Meanwhile, how about a blossom?
TERESA: A Bud. [Takes it and sits beside him, scowling]
Julio gets up and puts on a CD: "Up on the Roof"
JULIO: Maybe what you need--[smiles and sets down both their beers] is a little rest.
[Lights down; music up]
[Lights up; music down. They are both under the sheet, lying back in the afterglow.]
TERESA: Do you do this often?
JULIO: Do this what?
TERESA: Go to bed with girls from the past. What if I'm your great great grandmother or something?
JULIO: I had it checked out. She's living in the Bronx.
TERESA: [Shocked and angry; sits up, topless] So you do! You bastard! You do this all the time.
JULIO: Teresa! Mi corazón! Never before. It's strictly against the rules. I could lose my job! It's just that when I saw those two little--
TERESA: [Pulling up sheet] Those two little what?
JULIO: [Takes her hands] Those two little hands. I fell in love!
Teresa is captivated. Snuggles up.
TERESA: So if you love me so much, why don't you take me back to the future with you?
JULIO: Then who would paint all the paintings you are supposed to paint over the next thirty years? Teresa, you don't understand what a big deal you are. Even I have heard of the great Algarín, and art is not my thing. If something happened to you, the Timeslip would throw off the whole history of art.
TERESA: [Directly to audience; we see her artistic vanity] Oh. How about that. [To Julio] So why don't you, like, you know, stay here with me a while?
JULIO: I only wish I could. [Pulling on pants of shimmery suit under sheet] But if I stayed here, it would cause a Timeslip for sure. Besides, if I had stayed here, we would know about it anyway, since there would be some evidence of it. [Stands up; walks to refrigerator] See how complicated Time is? I'm just a delivery guy and it gives me a headache. I need another leaf.
TERESA: Bud. Bud! Get me one too. [Pulling on panties under sheet] So you're going to go back to the future and let me die in this coming holocaust?
JULIO: Die?
TERESA: The nuclear war. The one you're not allowed to tell me about.
JULIO: Oh, that. [Offers her a beer, but she shakes her head] José is just trying to alarm you. It's not a war. It's a warehouse fire.
TERESA: All this mischigosch for a warehouse fire?
JULIO: It's cheaper to go back and get the stuff than to avoid the fire. It all has to do with Timeslip insurance or something.
The phone rings. Teresa gets up to answer it. Realizing she is topless, she covers herself modestly with her T shirt before picking up the receiver. A spot comes up on Borogove across the stage--at home with an ornate phone and wearing lots of face cream.
BOROGOVE: How's it going?
TERESA: It's two in the morning, Borogove!
BOROGOVE: Please, Teresa, call me Mimsy. Is it finished?
TERESA: I'm working on it. Go to sleep.
Teresa hangs up; Borogove's spot disappears.
JULIO: Who was that? La Gordita?
TERESA: [pulling on her paint splattered tank-top] Don't be cruel. You go to sleep, too. I have to get back to work.
JULIO: Okay, but wake me up by four. If I oversleep and get stuck here in the past--
TERESA: [sarcastically] If you had overslept we would already know about it, wouldn't we? Since everything we do here has already happened.
Studies blank canvas. Lights down
ACT THREE
SCENE ONE
At the gallery. Daytime. Teresa is a nervous wreck, wearing paint splattered T shirt and jeans.
BOROGOVE: Put it off? I can't put it off! Everybody who's anybody in the downtown art scene is going to be here tomorrow night.
TERESA: But ...
BOROGOVE: Teresa, I've already ordered the wine.
TERESA: But ...
BOROGOVE: Teresa, I've already ordered the cheese.
TERESA: But ...
BOROGOVE: Plus, remember, everything we sell besides the three paintings they're coming to get is gravy. Comprende?
TERESA: Borogove! Listen to me! The problem is the three paintings. Only two are done. What if I don't finish this "Rosa del Futuro" in time? What if they come to get it and there's nothing there?
BOROGOVE: Teresa, I insist, you must call me Mimsy. And if you weren't going to finish it in time, they would have arranged a later pickup date, wouldn't they?--since they already know what will happen. For god's sake, girl, quit worrying! Go home and get to work! You have until tomorrow night.
TERESA: But I don't even know where to start!
BOROGOVE: Don't you artists have any imagination? Good god girl, make something up!
Lights down
SCENE TWO
Teresa's apartment. Night. In tank-top and panties, Teresa paces up and down in front of blank canvas like a caged lion, chewing a brush. Julio appears in his column of light, one hand behind his back.
TERESA: About time! It's almost one a.m. Where've you been? Never mind. Am I glad to see you! I need a clue.
JULIO: A clue?
TERESA: This painting. 'La Rosa del Futuro.' Your catalogue from the future must have a picture of it. Let me see it.
JULIO: Copy your own painting? That would cause
a Timeslip for sure.
TERESA: I won't copy it! I'll just, you know, like glance at it.
JULIO: Same thing. Besides, José carries the catalogue. I'm just his helper.
TERESA: Okay, then just tell me, what's it a picture of?
JULIO: I don't know, Teresa.
TERESA: [turns on him furiously] Julio, how can you say you care for me if you won't even bend the rules a little bit to help me?
JULIO: It's not that. I mean I really don't know. I'm just a delivery guy. Art is not my thing. [Blushes] You know what my thing is.
He reaches out for her with his free hand but she pulls away.
TERESA: Well, art is my thing. And I'm going to lose the chance of a lifetime--hell, of more than that, of artistic inmortalidad--if I don't come up with something pretty damn soon.
JULIO: Teresa, quit worrying! The painting's so famous even I've heard of it. There's no way it can not happen. Meanwhile, let's don't spend our last...
TERESA: Our last what? And why are you standing there with one hand up your ass?
JULIO I'm late because I stopped at the florist. [Pulls a yellow rose from behind his back] This Chronolink closes after the pickup tonight. I don't know where my next job will take me, Teresa, but it won't be here.
TERESA: So what's the rose for?
JULIO: Don't you understand anything? You artists are so cold! So cruel! The rosa is for you, to remember me by, as a token of our last ... our last ...
Julio bursts into tears; Teresa takes him in her arms and leads him toward the bed. She's sniffling too. They both begin undressing as the lights go dim and the music, "Up on the Roof," begins.
Lights down; music up
Lights up; music down
Teresa pulls on panties under sheet. Gets up and pulls on tank-top, careful not to awaken Julio who is dozing, on his back, under the sheet. Finds a clean brush and starts pacing again.
JULIO: Wake me up at four ...[snore]
Teresa pauses and looks at him, then at rose, by the bed. Picks up rose, paces some more. Stares at canvas, then at bed. Yanks sheet off sleeping Julio--a bronze nude adonis. Looks directly at audience. Back at Julio. Lays rose on his thigh. Looks back at audience and nods, pleased with herself. Drags canvas over near bed and goes to work.
Lights down.
Phone rings.
Spot comes up on Teresa, working furiously as she picks up phone.
BOROGOVE: Well? How's it going?
TERESA: Borogove, it's almost four in the morning!
Spot comes up on Borogove, dressed to the nines, in gallery, arranging wine and cheese.
BOROGOVE: No, it's not, it's four in the afternoon. (Looks pleased) You've been working all night and all day, Teresa, I can tell. But you really must call me Mimsy!
TERESA: I can't talk now. I have a live model. Sort of.
BOROGOVE: I thought you didn't work from live models.
TERESA: [painting furiously; we don't see picture] There's a time for everything.
BOROGOVE: Whatever! Don't let me bother you while you're working; I can tell you're getting somewhere. The opening is at seven. I'm sending a van for you at six.
TERESA: Make it a limo, Mimsy. We're making art history here.
Lights down
SCENE THREE
The gallery. The opening. A fashionable crowd. Even Teresa is dressed up. She looks great. She's showing Borogove a painting that we can't see.
BOROGOVE: It's gorgeous. I told you you could do it! But who's the model? He looks sort of familiar.
TERESA: [Looks directly at audience, then back at Borogove] You might say he's been around the art world for years and years.
BOROGOVE: The show's a huge success, Teresa! Do you know how many paintings we've sold already? There's Michael Musto! And who's the barefoot guy in the fabulous Armani? He looks sort of familiar.
Julio wanders by, in a suit three sizes too big, looking dazed, with a Bud.
TERESA: That's my boy friend. He's been around the art world forever and ever.
BOROGOVE: Well come on, everyone has to meet you! Leo? Have you met our artist? Anna? Benjamin? We call her The Great Algarín.
Teresa struts proudly; she's in heaven.
Lights Down
SCENE FOUR
The gallery is empty. Lights are dimmer. Teresa holds three canvases as Borogove comes on scene.
BOROGOVE: [off] Bye! Goodnight! Thanks for coming! [To Teresa] 11:59 Just in time! I thought we'd never get everybody to leave!
A column of light--José is alone in it this time. He looks a little disoriented. Beside him is a futuristic neon appliance on wheels, labeled Chrono Slot.
JOSÉ: We are--uh--a guy from the future.
BOROGOVE: [Confused] I could have sworn there were two of you guys. [To Teresa, in a whisper] Or did I make that up?
JOSÉ: [Recovering] Probably just a Timeslip! No problem though! Happens all the time.
TERESA: It does?
JOSÉ: I think so! [Shrugs] No big deal! This is a light pickup anyway! Only three paintings. I brought the Chronoslot along. [Hands Borogove a check] And a check, of course!
BOROGOVE: Fabulous. Teresa, why don't you do the honors. [As Teresa hands the paintings to José] "De Mon Mouse." "Los Tres Dolores" ... [Jose slips them both through a dark slot that appears in the air]
TERESA: This one's still a little tacky.
JOSÉ: That's okay. By the time it arrives in the far future it'll be dry as a bone!
As José reaches for the painting, the lights flicker. Julio has entered the room from the back; he looks disoriented.
JOSÉ: Whoops. Feel that? Slight aftershock. [Looks at Julio] Don't I know you?
TERESA [Directly to audience] I was afraid of this!
José and Julio stare at each other blankly and the lights flicker. Borogove stares blankly at both. Teresa looks dismayed. Then the lights stop flickering.
JOSÉ: Of course! I'd recognize you anywhere.
Teresa grimaces.
JULIO: Huh? Oh.
They all look at the painting Teresa is holding, the last one. She turns with it and we see that it's a full length nude of Julio, asleep on his back, a rose placed on his thigh.
JOSÉ: This reminds me of the day I met the Mona Lisa. How many times have I seen this painting, and now I meet the guy! Must feel weird to have the world's most famous, you know ...[Winks toward Julio's crotch]
JULIO: I don't know about weird. Something definitely feels funny.
TERESA: [Recovering] Let's get on with this, guys. [Hands José the painting and helps him hurry it through the slot]
BOROGOVE: Well, that's that! Won't you stay for some wine and cheese? Or do you have to get back to the future right away?
JOSÉ: Thanks, but you know what they say: Time waits for no one!
José and Chronoslot shimmer away
BOROGOVE: Well, that's that! How about you two?
TERESA: [Relieved but shaken] Me, I need something stronger than wine.
BOROGOVE: [Pulls a flask from her voluminous purse] I know what you mean. No problem! [To Julio, as she pours] I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
TERESA: [Hugs Julio] He's with me.
JULIO: Julio. And yes, I'm with The Great Algarín! [Teresa beams] And I think I'll have another, another-- [Looks at bottle he's holding, at Teresa, directly at audience. Smiles and holds up bottle.] -- Bud!
CURTAIN
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